‘Let’s be honest… no one will ever marry you’(part 2)

‘Let’s be honest… no one will ever marry you’

This mantra was spinning around in my head on the day I found out it was all a lie.

Something an ex’s sister had said to me once years ago and it hurt then and I had never forgotten it. 

Mainly because she was a toxic bitch, but in my low moments, this was the only thing I could hear, and on that fateful day it was sooo loud resonating in my head.

I was lying in bed, now so bored of loose women. I need Netflix and couldn’t find the remote controls. 

Hunting/limping around the bedroom. Muttering to myself about feeling old and weak with my bad back. 

Found the controls!

Oh….there was his iPhone watch too underneath the controls on the radiator. I starred at it for a while. My gut instinct… my heart….my head… were all fighting each other. At war and not knowing what to do.

It had been about 2 weeks since the cinema row but that inner voice was back and she was screaming loudly, ‘Look Emily… do it’. 

I knew if I looked there would be no going back. I didn’t want not have trust. But, truth was for the first time, that was now in question. I couldn’t ignore my gut instinct. 

My trust had already been broken because of what had happened and the fact I was considering looking was a clear sign something was wrong.

I knew the code as we didn’t have any reason to hide our pin codes before. Apparently that means trust. 

Here goes…. 

My heart was racing, but a part of me was thinking I wouldn’t find anything significant. 

‘Hey let’s meet here (with a postcode entered)’ 

I saw so many unknown numbers. Numbers not stored to his phone. Exchanging messaging. Messages I couldn’t un-see. Messages I couldn’t ignore, like I had the previous email. 

My head was spinning, my body shaking and I started heaving. He was cheating on me, and there it was again… ‘‘Let’s be honest… no one will ever marry you’.

She was right, it cut so deep. I felt like I was 16 again, a scared lonely girl. 

Oh my god.

My body was reacting to what I was reading, I couldn’t believe it. I went into emails- A facebook account I knew nothing about!

The level of deceit was more than I could stomach. Literally.  I threw up in my hand. I was so scared this was going to be the thing that really broke me. 

At first I was irrational. Lying to myself I was misreading it. It wasn’t his watch. Technology had failed and it was crossed messages and then I realised his name was in the messages! 

How could he do this to me?

How could he do this to my son?

How could he compromise my mental health?

How could he put my physical health at risk? 

How could he be so careless with my heart?

A heart that was so bruised already

A heart that had already taken more than it’s fair share after Jaydens dad and that deceit. 

Something I had never truly recovered from just papered over. 

I couldn’t catch my breath! I re read the messages again and again through tears. I could feel the weight of what he had done weighing on my chest. 

He hadn’t fallen in love with anyone. (Not that this would have eased the shock or physical pain I was feeling) This was for no reason….. I couldn’t get over that I had been living a lie. 

In that moment I realised he had stolen my dreams. 

He had taken my future away without a care. 

I needed to talk to someone. 

I needed to cancel a wedding

I needed to tell my family 

I needed to breathe. 

‘Let’s be honest… no one will ever marry you’

5 comments

  1. It was hard to read this but must have been even harder to write!
    You are braver then you believe, stronger then you seem and smarter then you think ❤️ X x

    Like

  2. You are so strong and I’m so proud you are my big sister and someone I get to look up to. You really are incredible for turning this into a positive. Love you xxx

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s