3 weeks in bed with a slip disc and feeling like crap in bed. My fiancé (now ex) was less than supportive and was barely in the house with working and being ‘busy’ rather than being at home.
I was feeling fragile as we had just sent our wedding invites out and whilst that should have been a really exciting time. I have seen on his laptop just after I pressed send, an email to his ex that he had sent at midnight’ A girl he dated when we were on a break!
It cut deep but I don’t know why I chose not to address it. The email didn’t say anything spectacular. More how well he was doing. But us women know that when you are messaging your ex at midnight that translate to ‘something is missing’. Otherwise you would have not sent the message. I was extra tearful following this and after about 2 weeks of bursting into tears over the smallest things, I realised I couldn’t hold that negative energy inside.
I said it to him. His reaction was mediocre. He apologised. He recognised that it was wrong but he also made me feel like I was overreacting. He wasn’t full of regret. He wasn’t on his knees begging for forgiveness. Although this email had hurt me and definitely highlighted a part of his personality I didn’t know. I talked it through and he promised he wouldn’t ever withhold me anything from me again. A promised I truly believed. I mean He wasn’t a liar. A waffle but not a liar. Definitely not a cheat. I silenced my inner doubts.
It was put to bed. I mean this was the man I loved. He had his faults. Some big ones but he cared for my heart. So that was the end of it.
Then one random evening he wanted to go cinema with his friend. I was slightly irritated as I had been in alone for weeks without much company, but I never wanted to be that woman who said you can’t do something. So Off he went. He was gone for about 4.5 hours.
When he arrived I said ‘what took so long- how long was the bloody film’ He instantly became defensive, aggressive in his demeanour and started shouting that he was fed up of me questioning him.
The cheeky bastard. I rarely questioned him on his movements. Had no reason too!
He threw my cake ( that I had asked him to get) at the wall and said he would be sleeping on the sofa. My cake! I was fuming. I had waited four hours for that. WANKER.
Well if I had been mobile, I would have jumped up and addressed his shitty attitude but I didn’t have the energy.
That night I couldn’t sleep. His reaction was so disproportionate and that coupled with a few other things. I had that ‘gut instinct’ that something wasn’t right’. However like so many of us are guilty of… I made excuses. The wedding stress…. the fact my back was bad and he was forced to do more around the house…. he was working so much.
So I left it and didn’t raise the issue again. He didn’t talk to me for two days and that suited me just fine… but I couldn’t shake that feeling. My gut was screaming ‘this isn’t right’
The same inner voice I had before… where i had been right in the past in other relationships…. BUT again I tried to silence it…..for now!
My fucking cake!