3 weeks in bed with a slip disc and feeling like crap in bed. My fiancé (now ex) was less than supportive and had barely been in the house with working or being ‘busy’ rather than being at home.
I was feeling fragile, slightly fed up and totally stir crazy. However, we had just sent our wedding invites out and whilst that should have been a really exciting time. I had seen on his laptop just after I pressed send, an email to his ex that he had sent at midnight’ A girl he dated when we were on a break!
It cut deep and I was shocked, but I don’t know why I chose not to address it.
I mean the email didn’t say anything spectacular. More how well he was doing. But us women know that when you are messaging your ex at midnight that translates to ‘something is missing’. Otherwise you would have not sent the message at that sort of time.
I was extra tearful following this new information and after about 2 weeks of bursting into tears over the smallest things, I realised I couldn’t hold that negative energy inside.
I said it to him! Confronted him… but his reaction was mediocre. He apologised! He recognised that it was wrong but he also made me feel like I was overreacting. He wasn’t full of regret. He wasn’t on his knees begging for forgiveness. Although this email had hurt me and definitely highlighted a part of his personality I didn’t know. We talked it through and he promised he wouldn’t ever withhold me anything from me again. A promised I truly believed. I mean he wasn’t a liar. A waffler yes… but not a liar. Definitely not a cheat.
I silenced my inner doubts.
It was put to bed. I mean this was the man I loved. He had his faults. Some big ones but most of the time he cared for my heart, something others have never done. So that was the end of it.
Then one random evening he wanted to go cinema with his friend. I was slightly irritated as I had been in alone for weeks without much company, but I never wanted to be that woman who said you can’t do something. So Off he went. He was gone for about 4.5 hours.
When he arrived I said ‘what took so long- how long was the bloody film?’
He instantly became defensive, aggressive in his demeanour and started shouting that he was fed up of me questioning him.
The cheeky bastard. I rarely questioned him on his movements. Had no reason too!
He threw my cake ( that I had asked him to get) at the wall and said he would be sleeping on the sofa. My cake! I was fuming. I had waited four hours for that. WANKER.
Well if I had been mobile and agile enough, I would have jumped up and addressed his shitty attitude but I didn’t have the energy.
That night I couldn’t sleep. His reaction was so disproportionate and that coupled with a few other things. I had that ‘gut instinct’ that something wasn’t right’. However like so many of us are guilty of… I made excuses.
The wedding stress….
The fact my back was bad and he was forced to do more around the house.
He was working so much…long hours.
He wasn’t getting my attention.
So I left it and didn’t raise the issue again. He didn’t talk to me for two days and that suited me just fine… but I couldn’t shake that feeling. My gut was screaming ‘this isn’t right’
The same inner voice I had before… where I had been right in the past in other relationships…. BUT again I tried to silence it…..for now!
But I was humming about my fucking cake!