The first person I could think to call was Gemma… I’m not even sure I could get my words out, but what I knew was I couldn’t be alone. I needed to be with someone and get them to read the messages too.
I quickly tx Tammie at work and told her and she said ‘go be with Gem’. Perfect advice.
Was I making it up? Were my eyes deceiving me?
She came to meet me down the road. Rushing with Ted in the buggy and just hugged me. She had no words and neither did I? I felt safe with her.
She read the messages and confirmed they read the same way I was reading them. But to double check we had to go and see Tammie. Just to make sure. I mean the discovery was shocking to her as well as me.
In between all this chaos and tears, I started ringing the suppliers for the wedding.
Crying as I told them the story. My tears were mixed with sadness for me. Sadness for what was meant to be. Heartache and embarrassment.
How am I such a fuck up I thought?
How didn’t I see it?
How didn’t I realise that he was cheating?
I wanted and needed answers, but what I didn’t want was excuses and that was all I was going to get from him. Lies to cover his lies probably!
I knew he would be home about 5pm. I had to decide what I was going to do. Deep down I already knew. It was over!
No explanation would have been sufficient.
No explanation would have mended my already scarred heart.
We drove to Tam’s and none of us spoke when we arrived. We shut ourselves in the kitchen and I without words, handed her the phone.
I saw her lip quiver as she read the messages and she nodded. She said ‘Em I can’t see another explanation’. In that moment the 3 of us were just quiet. Not knowing what to say…. it was like someone had died. It was another trauma that further bonded us together, I guess.
I had feelings of ‘why me?’ resounding in my head. I mean I must had been a total bitch in a past life to be dealt such a shitty hand when it comes to love.
I stayed with the girls for hours, rarely speaking about it, because the kids were around. I was biding my time…. I had to go home at some point and face the music.
I decided that with all the money spent on the wedding that was now lost and the debt I had accumulated in my name for us….That I needed to wait until Friday to get the housekeeping or I wouldn’t make the end of the month. It was Monday….. how the hell am I gonna do this?
How was I going to lie in bed with the enemy for 5 days and not want to hurt him?
I was worried my mind was going to betray me again or I was going to have a nervous breakdown, but the alternative was to go into the next month broke not making ends meet. Bloody bills!
I hate him. I hated what he had done. I hated myself for not finding out sooner.
He came home. I acted normal. My eyes puffy and I was very quiet…. he didn’t notice. Of course he didn’t. He was a narcissist, he only cared for him. Toxic masculinity at its best.
I made an excuse about my back and asked him to sleep in Jaydens room. I avoided any physical contact for days. I couldn’t eat and that was a record for me to not eat for 5 days. Not a single bit of food touched my lips. Again he didn’t notice, maybe I will lose some weight after all this I thought.
I called Melissa and told her. She laughed and said ‘behave’. You have got it wrong. She quickly realised I was deadly serious.
My back was too bad to pack his stuff alone and I certainly wasn’t going to let him do it. So the plan was made, He was going to leave for work on Friday. Mel would come round pack his stuff and I would never see him again.
I could feel as the five days went on, my body was starting to shut down. I couldn’t hear people talking the same way, I couldn’t smell things the same way, I wasn’t sleeping.
I could feel my baggage (metaphorically) being filled so heavy. Another thing to pack into the already heavy bag of life and bullshit, a bag that was already busting at the seams.
I can’t carry it for life I thought.
What was I going to do?
Jayden was my grounding force, my saving grace. I needed to be here for him. I needed to be here to watch him grow into a better man than anyone I could ever meet.
I mean he is already half way there but I was determined not to let a selfish egotistical wanker take anything more from me.
My plan was set..
It was the longest five days of my life! 💔