I was panicking, I can’t believe he is at the door. The dogs were barking and he was calling my name.
I still couldn’t find the words to speak to him and I definitely didn’t want him at my door.
So I whispered to Mel ‘what shall I do?’ My heart was racing, my mouth dry, Shit shit shit!
She said ‘say I’m crying and for him to come back later.’
I was so flustered. He can’t come in I thought, he will see the bags. Thank God I took the door key off the night before.
I popped my head out the window and quickly said ‘sorry mel is crying. Come back later!’
He didn’t go, he replied ‘I will stay downstairs and out of your way’
Damn. Bloody hell… NO!
He asked me if Jayden had taken his door key. I just shrugged, I heard him muttered to himself. I was just willing for him to accept my reason and go.
He was irritated I could tell, and so was I. In fact I was furious and hurt, but I wasn’t ready for a showdown right now and not on my doorstep.. I just wanted him out of my life – my way, in my time.
He finally said he was going to do some work in my mates house.
Phew. He was going to finish off a job. That was perfect in some ways, as it meant she would get what she had paid for….Because, I knew once I told him it was over. He wouldn’t want to see any of my friends again, the utter shame that he should so rightly feel.
Also, I knew that would buy me a few hours of packing.
HOWEVER, now I need to call her and tell her. Oh god….I rang and said ‘listen it’s complicated, but can you tell me when he leaves your house. I will explain later’, being a good mate she said no problem and didn’t press me for more information. I was so grateful… that unspoken understanding that we had between us.
I knew she could hear the hurt in my voice.
She knew it was serious.
So the (now ex) has left, albeit with the hump and we carried on with the packing.
Mel and I didn’t know how long we had left, so we packed fast. There was no spectacular cutting of clothes, No bleach pouring, it was more like a deep clean of my heart. Everything needed to go. So we had finished and we loaded the car!
We drove to the area of where his dad lived , but I didn’t want to leave the stuff there and have his dad contact him before i had a chance to drive back home.
So Mel grabbed some food in a pub nearby but I still couldn’t eat. The heartburn was unbearable now, Literally like my heart was on fire, burning into a million different pieces. In someways, I guess that was true. I sipped on a Pepsi, still in shock this was all happening.
I was so sad inside and knew this was the final part of what felt like weeks. Weeks of carrying the heaviest bag ever! (Christ, it had only been five days)
I felt sad, sad that he didn’t know how much he had hurt me and my son. I doubted if he would ever comprehend the damage he has caused.
The cut in my heart from Jaydens dad, had now been reopened. It was open so wide, that I knew it would leave behind an horrific scar. Deep and outwardly visible. An ugly scar that would determine how I moved forwards.
I felt in that moment, my trust in people had been shattered.
I was also scared of the fallout, What was going to happen after we dropped his stuff off? How would he react? I knew he had a nasty temper!
I knew once I had made the drop, the next step was to tell my family.
God, I felt sick again….
My friend called about 12pm, she told me he had left her house. We jumped back in the car and drove to his dads.
I reversed the car as close to the house as I could and Mel began unloading the car.
I took a final look at the iPhone watch, took some pictures of the messages. Just in case he tried to lie or gas light me then I would have the facts in front of me.
I shut the watch down and handed it to Mel. She posted it through the letterbox and we drove off!
I was shaking.
So There it was, a nearly six year relationship (not without faults) gone!
Just like that.
Dissolved, ruined, broken, over someone’s inability to control themselves and understand their actions. The ripple effect that their actions would have a major impact on so many people moving forward.
I am a deep thinker, I reflected on the way home about the series of events that had occurred leading up to this moment.
The cinema, The anger, The email, The bizarre responses to a perfectly normal question, The time out of the house. Being on his phone so much and sitting on the other sofa so I couldn’t see his phone.
And finally not responding to me confronting him about that email in an ‘average way.’
All the above relied on me being attune to it. It Relied on me being present in the moment. Relied on my gut instinct.
I would have missed the signs, If I hadn’t hurt my back, I would have been at work. Preoccupied, giving work my attention and all the mental energy that it requires. I would have been BUSY.
I believe, someone was looking out for me. Lining up the facts… slowly…in a way I could see it….Not be blinded to it any longer.
I’m not a spiritual person as such but I have faith. (In what? I’m not sure anymore but something is there.) I think it was my dad.
You see I have never taken any man to my dads grave. Ever! It’s my sacred place. A time to cry and reflect alone.
The plan was that once I was married, I would take that man to meet my dad. Tell him that I was finally ok. That I was finally happy!
So for all my failings and fuck ups. That was something I have always stuck too.
Thank god, it’s still my sacred place.
I know when I had Jayden, my dad saw the hurt that followed. He saw the betrayal, he felt my pain. Before he died he said ‘never give up on your dreams!’ I’ve never forgotten that.
Well my dreams have always been simple:
I dreamt that I would have a good job and wasn’t viewed as a statistic. I promised him I would finish my studies..
I dreamt, that I would find the strength to raise my son well, with morals, a good foundation and that he didn’t become a statistic.
And finally, I dreamt of falling in love. True love, being cared for- someone truly caring for me in that raw honest way, to not be hurt or rejected!
2 out of 3 isn’t bad.
Anyway – It turns out, I wasn’t to be a bride in 2019.
My dream wedding over before it began. Thank god really. In the words of Beyoncé ‘the best thing I never had!
It would have been a marriage that was destined to fail.
One that would have been founded on lies.
I just kept thinking about all the times he had lied to me. How he would have lied to me on our wedding day! Vowing to love and protect me. What a load of crap!
When the only time person I needed protecting from was HIM.
We arrived back home, now I needed to call him and tell him that I knew.